My family dynamic has always been one where criticism is the norm and compliments are few and far between. Positive feedback, if any, was always followed by a "but" and a list of things I could do better next time. This feedback always made me feel like I could never do anything right.
Consequently, I found myself wrestling with self-doubt and a persistent sense of low self-esteem, always questioning my worth. Even when I achieved a significant milestone, such as winning my first award for filmmaking, my mind was clouded with self-deprecating thoughts.
Sure, it's an accomplishment,' I would tell myself, 'but it's not like an Oscar. It's just a regional film fest award.'
"Happiness and success have always felt like elusive targets for me. However, striving towards these unattainable goals has only caused me personal frustration. Instead of motivating me to work harder, it ultimately led me to give up.
Critzem was also used as a form of punishment in my household. When I was thirteen, I made the simple mistake of laughing while my mom was trying to move furniture. Her reaction was to say, "You are just like your dad."
This was extremely hurtful to the point that I burst into tears. When I was six, I witnessed my dad brutally beat my mom. Comparing me to him felt like one of the worst insults anyone could have used against me.
At other times, I was told that I was an asshole, and that was why I had no friends. As an adult, if I were to say something that upset my mom, she would withhold attention by not calling or texting me. Growing up, I assumed that it must be my fault if someone was upset with me.
People-pleasing and setting unrealistic goals had become a normal part of my life. However, when I inevitably failed to please everyone and achieve these impractical goals that I believed would lead to happiness, I became disappointed and frustrated.
I felt negative about myself and began hating myself. Nothing I did was ever good enough, and I believed that I was a complete failure. The only way to feel happy was to make everyone else happy and strive for perfection. This, in turn, led me to repeat the same routine repeatedly.
Set unachievable goals based on unrealistic timetables. Do everything I could to be all things to all people, and then when I could not keep pace with the strict routine I set for myself, I became depressed and fell into self-hatred.
I have recently found a solution that works for me. Though my relatives may believe that misery and frustration are the ideal motivators to reach a constantly changing target, I have chosen to pursue happiness instead. It has taken me a lifetime, but I now understand that success and happiness are interconnected.
But instead of making success the goal so that I will finally be happy, I have made happiness the goal, and I am letting success follow.
I remind myself to celebrate the small victories. Instead of expecting every workout to be intense and grueling, I am grateful for the opportunity to exercise. Similarly, I don't set unrealistic expectations for my YouTube videos to garner thousands of views and instead focus on my goal of creating a videocast. I am still determining if anyone will read this blog or comprehend my message, but I appreciate that I have taken the time to write it. My business is far from where I want it to be, but I am thankful I have a chance to grow it.
I take the time to thank myself for my work and the person I have become. However, I have learned to do it in the third person. When I visualize who I am today and what I have accomplished, I like the person I have become - Jeremy.
An example would be Jeremy. He is a good guy who works hard to maintain his fitness to be a better father to his son. He is a devoted husband and father.
Jeremy has accomplished a lot in his life. He has written and published two books, and he has been the volunteer of the month for a child advocacy group. Jeremy taught himself to be a filmmaker, winning multiple awards for his filmmaking.
I like Jeremy. He has cool interests and is very intelligent. He is always working to learn more and be helpful to his community.
I have learned to give Jeremy the praise he was denied as a child. In return, I have learned to love myself.
I don't consider my flaws as a sign of humility anymore. I realized that I just had a poor self-image.
"I won't claim to be perfect, but I know I am much better than people give me credit. And that's okay because I am happy to give myself the credit I deserve. Good job, Jeremy! Keep up the great work."
It can be difficult to develop a positive mindset, especially if you were brought up to believe that it is wrong to think highly of yourself. Unfortunately, in many groups, low self-esteem and self-hatred are praised.
However, when we consider life's basic challenges, such as getting through each day and hoping for improvement, we realize how important it is to believe in our ability to overcome these challenges. After all, how likely is it that someone who lacks this belief will succeed?
That is why I advocate for considering yourself in the third person, and realizing if you were to meet yourself, would you like the person you encountered?
I imagine meeting a forty-year-old man who is muscular, if not chiseled. He is a photographer, filmmaker, and writer. He is four months into starting a media company. He is raising an autistic son and is devoted to being a great father. He loves his wife, whom he has been married to for nearly 15 years. He likes cigars, music, reading, movies, chess, bodybuilding, football, and studying history.
After encountering this guy, I realized I liked him. He deserves success and has what it takes.
And that is how I became a fan of myself.